Cheated on my husband, numb- was loyal for 5 years, then lex and blew it all up

I am 28 and was on Lexapro for about 5 years for anxiety. At first I thought it was wonderful. It wasn’t until years later that I had radically changed. I am so happy to have found this site because I thought I had lost my mind. I cheated on my husband and 1. didn’t even seem to have a reason why and 2. felt somewhat numb afterwards. I also had that same feeling about my significant other i.e. that we were turning into roomates and just a general numbness…maybe that’s why, in retrospect, I resorted to engaging some risk-taking behaviors? Sorry–this is sort of a stream of consciousness. Anyway, I decided to stop the pills about 6 months ago and now the weight of how I acted is overwhelming me–nearly having panic attacks when I think of the inifidelity. You have to understand that before the medication I was with my significant other for 5 years and NEVER even kissed another person even while in college. I was so against any form of infidelity! Fast forward and I am a lying monster with little feeling. The guilt is crushing me, not to mention feelings of ‘how the hell could you do that?!’ I can only say that the me before I started lexapro was radically different from the me now. And although I am regaining emotions etc. I still don’t feel 100% like the old me. Maybe that’s because I feel I have ruined everything with my behaviors the last few years. I had been racking my brain trying to understand how I could have changed so much during the past few years and I began thinking I was just a pretty terrible person. It’s a horrible feeling. I wish I had NEVER gone on that drug and I cannot believe my doctor let me just stay on it for so long.

Thank you all so much for posting your experiences with your significant others on SSRI’s….it has helped me so much.