Surviving 6 months after

It’s been 6 months since I stopped Mirt and I just feel like a shell of a human being.

The last window I had was about 2 months ago. It was only a single day but oh my God did it feel so amazing to feel alive again. I walked the town centre feeling like a king on earth. Watching with amazement simple things like admiring the sunlight, people and nature.

It’s so easy to take these things for granted until it’s ripped out of your heart and all you have to hold onto are distant memories.

These days, all I look forward to is making it to bed at 8pm… Yes 8pm like a child. It’s the only moment that I get a tiny bit of peace before the nighttime adventure begins with vivid dreams, terror and adrenaline dumps.

In the morning I wake up to Groundhog Day with morning anxiety, fatigue, possible bouts of Akathisia, flu like symptoms and many more.

I have zero appetite and the nausea makes it impossible to eat much so I have to force myself to eat as much as I can to survive.

I keep myself as busy as possible with distraction, but I know that at any given moment things can/will get ugly and will inevitably lead to bouts of crying and despair.

I count down the hours hoping to get to 7pm when I usually get a small window of relief (not guaranteed) then I prepare for bed praying that tomorrow this nightmare will end and I might turn a corner…

Needless to say, I’m disappointed every time I wake up to find myself still in the midst of hell and this is how it repeats days after day hour after hour minute after minute…

I don’t even know who I am anymore, I just live for the next day hoping that one day I might exit this hell.

How do you guys do it? I mean how do you survive long periods like years living like this?

How do you work? How do you take care of kids? How do you deal with life’s ups and downs?