After 8 years, broke up my broyfreind, had an affair erratic emotions

I can’t believe I have just found all of these posts! I cannot explain how relieved I am that it wasn’t just me, and that I’m not a horrible person, the escitalopram just made me that way.

I only started taking 10mg around the beginning of October, by the end of the month I had broken up with my boyfriend of 2 and a half years, who I had liked ever since I was 13 years old (I’m nearly 21 now). I don’t recall what made me do this, and I feel so stupid for letting it happen.

After that one of his friends, who I was also close with came round mine one night cause he was feeling down. I took him out to a party and that’s when I made the biggest mistake of my life. He stayed around mine and from there we had this ‘secretive’ sort of relationship thing going on for a few weeks, for some reason it felt completely normal at the time. I do feel lucky though, after reading some of the posts on here – as the situation could of gotten much worse. I realised how much I missed and loved my ex, what I had done repulsed me, and still does every day.

A week later it was halloween and my ex boyfriend needed a place to stay, I said it was fine, but I felt sick with guilt just thinking about seeing him again. In the end me and my ex went out together, and had a really nice time, he was being so sweet and lovely, he thought it was his fault we had broken up, it still makes me so guilty:(

Because we had had such a nice night together he stayed round the next night, we didn’t do anything, not even kissing, just enjoying each others company again. This was when I realised what I had done, I felt sick to my stomach, I was still in love with my ex and didn’t want to lose him.

I got woken up at 2am, he had looked through my messages and seen one with the friend and knew what had happened. I told him everything, the guilt was unbearable, I wanted to die, the thought of life without him wasn’t worth it. The worst thing is who it was that I slept with, the fact he was supposed to be my ex’s friend.

I am back with my boyfriend at the moment, but understandably he no longer trusts me. He says it’s because he loves me, and cares but worries about me because my emotions are so erratic. Some moments I am happy, the next I want to die. I wish my boyfriend would believe that the escitalopram did that and not me. I love him to death.

I am no longer on the pills, had to wean myself off as the Doctor was trying to up my dosage despite myself saying I wanted out.

Sorry about how long that was, I just didn’t know anyone else out there had suffered like this also, and nobody else understands.