Here is a story of a medicated person on Lexapro. If this sounds familiar to you, there is support. Learn more.
I kept asking myself what was wrong with my brain. I knew something was not right but could not understand why. I was taking the medications that were supposed to fix me. I wanted so badly to be normal and function in society. The doctors were passing out pills like candy ( as most do ) and I willingly took them. I was told that I was crazy before and that I needed help, so I felt validation from all the prescriptions. “ See, I’m normal now”. I fixed the problem. Little did I know the mediations I was taking, were causing more harm than good. The one drug that really did me in was LEXAPRO. The biggest offender of SSRIs according to the testimonials I would find. Now it all makes sense, but while I was in that cloud, I had no idea.
Was I a sociopath? Was it borderline personality disorder? Why could I not feel connections to the closest people to me but I was so easily accepted by anyone else in my path. I was overly social, charming but devious. I would do and say whatever I had to , just to have that connection with someone else. This would drive me to connect with the wrong people. The kind of people that had bad intentions. As soon as I was home I felt like a stranger. I felt as if I didn’t really belong anywhere. My marriage was hanging on by a thread. I had already committed adultery and made every excuse why. I felt nothing for that person either but they told me what I wanted to hear. I was finding weird relationships, that were nothing but make believe ,with other people because it was like a drug. My husband seemed to hate me and I knew why but it didn’t make life easier.
At one point I was on the max dosage of Lexapro , Wellbutrin and even Adderall. Now I would see that as gross incompetence. At the time I was just making my brain “work”.
Looking back I don’t know that person who destroyed her own life and everyone else in it. I knew then that I could not explain why I felt or acted the way that I did. That time makes me feel as if I was a robot and now I’m human again. The image that comes to mind is the Matrix when Neo is being plugged and unplugged to be in an entirely different world. This is one of the ways I try and explain it but it is very difficult to put into words how these drugs make you feel. One can only understand when they have walked that path, a path I wouldn’t wish on a soul. Speaking of souls, I was told once by a spouse effected by this that he thinks the soul is disconnected from the body while medicated with these drugs. I couldn’t agree more.
My story is so much more than this but you have to start somewhere. There is so much research and work to do. I hope I can look back one day and say that I made a difference. The first time I hear someone tell me that they got off these drugs or decided not to start them at all because of my story, I will really start to heal. I cannot erase the harm that was caused in my home. The awful trauma my husband and kids endured hurts every single day. I don’t think it bothers them much anymore , so I hope . It does hurt me every day . I don’t want pity but I do want to be well for them. I want to be happy and move on but I do want to make a difference. I wish one day my kids and husband can be proud of me and heal also. Most of all I want them to know that I wish this never happened but I maybe I can prevent it from happening to someone else. -Michael C
If you can relate to this, there is support.
