drinking, separating, lost those feelings

 I am the unmedicated spouse. My wife has been on antidepressants full time (I’ll get into that later) for a handful of months now.

One night about a month and a half ago she seemed upset/down. So I asked her if she was okay. She proceeded to tell me that she didn’t think she could do this anymore (our marriage). Completely out of the blue. She said that I wasn’t there for her emotionally and that she had to beg me to hang out with her. Which had caused her to not have “those” feelings for me anymore.

Truth is, I usually tried to make it a point to be with her when I got home from work. I get off work 6 hours after she does. But when I would get home and get situated (I work a really labor intensive dirty job, so when I get home I have to shower and everything), she would usually get up and go do something like her nails, or crafts (she makes clay jewelry aside from her full time job), or scroll on her phone. We have been extremely strapped financially ever since we decided to move to a new more expensive city and start fresh with new jobs. We knew it would be hard at first and were okay with bearing the storm for a year or two until things got easier. But it has been a lot for me. Mainly because I don’t feel like we’re a team. I give everything I have to keep us afloat and it has taken its toll on me mentally. She has been asking me for a while to seek some help like therapy. Which I have always been steadfast in saying that I would love to do, but we literally cannot afford it.

She goes and has since I have met her (she has had multiple traumatic events happen in her life dating back to when she was a kid). Well about 9 months after we moved, she found a new OB. We have been trying (unsuccessfully) to have a kid for a couple of years now. She has had some times where she had real low lows. Mostly because of this issue. Especially during her cycle. So her new OB put her on an antidepressant that she was supposed to take only when on her cycle. Which almost made no sense to me because by the time the med would have any effect, she would stop taking them. But she proceeded to take them. On top of that, she started to take Letrisol as a fertility med. Which when we looked into that, we read that it can have WILD effects on your mental state. Sometimes worse than extreme cases of post partum. And this is what happened. And it got bad, really bad. She would come at me sometimes at completely random times over seemingly nothing. And I mean BAD! I was so confused, but tried to remain positive and remember that it wasn’t her, it was the meds. Well during this time, her psychiatrist decided to put her on a different antidepressant, but full time. And I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t speak up more when this happened because I knew these things were nasty. But little by little she completely changed. Over just a handful of months. Until this happened.

But she says that it’s because of things that I have done (not being there for her, not listening to her, etc), that she just doesn’t have “those” feelings for me anymore. And I will be the first to admit that I am by no means perfect. But one thing no one can tell me, is that I have not been there for her. I am without a doubt her biggest supporter, biggest hype man, shoulder to cry on, loves and hugs when she needs, give her that push when she needs person in her life. I adore her. She is my person, my light, my everything. She has always felt like she was “broken” and I have always tried to be there to let her know that she wasn’t broken and that she was perfect and that I will always be there for her. No matter what. Go back a year and she will have told you, without a single doubt, that I was her soulmate. The day after she told me she wanted to end this, she left to her mom’s house which is 200 miles away. I have tried to be so patient. I have tried to handle things calmly, but I know I have failed at that multiple times. I have tried to be accountable and sorry. I just feel so stupid that I didn’t come to this realization earlier. A couple weeks after she left, she ran out of her meds. Obviously, very dangerous for her. Thankfully she hasn’t been taking these for years. But that week+ she didn’t have them, she was caring, loving, attentive, sweet. SHE WAS MY WIFE! I felt so much joy and hope. I felt so determined! But then she told me she hadn’t been on her meds that week and it just clicked! Everything made so much sense. I couldn’t believe I had been so blind. So stupid.

Last weekend she went out with an old friend of hers. She got quite intoxicated. I was texting her that night before she went out and it was going so good! Then it got really bad! She ended up calling me at 2:30 in the morning sitting in her car parked in a parking lot having a mental breakdown and a panic attack. But she just kept saying how much she needed me. How much she wanted me there with her. It broke my heart. But despite everything she has done, I was ready and willing to use what money I had pay for gas to go to her. It would take 3 hours to get there. But I was ready to do it. She told me not to. I got her calmed down. The next morning our talks were so genuine and great. I told her I had been reading and learning some stuff and that I would love to have a talk with her later that day. I sent her some links and some screenshots.

And to my happy surprise, SHE AGREED! And said she would love to talk to me about it. But then she called later. And that was not the person that was I was talking to earlier anymore. Closed off, angry, didn’t agree anymore, didn’t want to talk about it. When I tried talking about what I had read and had learned she had the nastiest tone and just said “I don’t want to hear you talk about therapy. And what you’ve read. Or learned!” She accused me of trying to grasp at straws to try anything that would make her come back to me. She asked me that didn’t I think that if that was happening to her, she would know it?!?! It hurt so much to hear her say all of that. The lack of trust. The fact that she saw me as the one that was trying to be shady and sneaky. It hasn’t went well since until today. I ordered her some flowers with a really nice thoughtful note on a card for Valentines. She said it was so thoughtful and the note brought her to tears. And that she misses me so much and that she loves me. She went to a therapy appointment earlier this week. But hasn’t told me what they talked about.

Every time I have tried to talk to her about anything this whole time as far as her feelings go, she gets angry, resentful, and upset. I am just so lost, I don’t know how to get through to her. I know I need to focus on myself, and my god am I trying! But I just can’t let her go down this road without knowing that I tried everything I absolutely could. I love her too much to just let her walk away and ruin the rest of her life on these meds. I even told her, that if it doesn’t result in her loving me again, that I would leave. But that it was so important to me to make sure she is okay. And happy, and healthy. I would really appreciate any advice that anyone has. As you all know, all of these cases are so similar that it’s actually creepy. It blows my mind how much all of the verbiage is almost exactly the same. Almost every time. I’m sorry for the novel. I haven’t really been able to get this out with anyone.